Dealing with Disappointment and Frustration
Things happen that can be disappointing and cause frustration, sadness, confusion, anger or uncertainty. These downturns are a natural part of life, and even when we know that to be true, we can still be sidelined by our reactions to these situations.
Over the past six weeks my son and I have been managing a lot of stress around disappointment and uncertainty. He is excited to be attending a university overseas for graduate school beginning at the end of September. He has been keeping track of what needs to be done and attending to the details according to plan. What he did not seriously anticipate was the shipping carrier losing his passport en route to the visa processing facility on the east coast. This set off a scramble to very quickly get a new passport and re-apply for the visa with his new passport information. In a perfect storm of unfortunate circumstances, his visa portal locked up on him for several days without attention or response from the organization, which caused a further delay and additional essential steps. As I write this, we are still weighing whether or not to adjust travel dates, as it is not clear that his visa will arrive on time for his currently plannned departure flight.
As you may imagine, this has been quite stressful for both of us. As a parent, I don’t like it when negative things happen to my kids, particularly when they are doing what’s required. As a person who likes to control things that impact me, this experience has tested my patience, trust and creative thinking along the way. On a personal note, this showcases that even those of us who have tools and training to handle frustrating situations can fall into victim and anger modes at times. Lesson to future self…
What was particularly challenging for me was the lack of available customer support by the visa processing organization. Service to others is one of my core values, and I feel it particularly strongly when that is compromised. This was compounded when our only option was to wait and hope. I’m a believer in patience and positive thinking, however I also know that hope alone is not the strongest strategy to achieving desired outcomes. As we continue to pursue information and options, I allow myself to feel what I feel without judgment and without wallowing in negativity (mostly), and I’m managing my frustration and anxiety through the following tools and techniques:
Focus on what you can control and remain as flexible as possible: when concerns are swirling, bringing attention and action to what you actually can do and being adaptable to shift with new information and opportunities can restore feelings of control.
Tap into your support network: having trusted friends, family and resources who will listen, validate and assist as needed can make a strong difference–remember that you don’t need to navigate things alone.
Practice patience and persistence: finding the most helpful mix of these approaches can be a bit clunky, but once you find the right flow, they can be formidable together.
Listen to your body and give yourself grace: your mind is strong and capable, but your body will give you the most honest feedback–tap into how it feels and focus on kindness to yourself, particularly when tensions are higher.
Breathe deeply and intentionally: your breath is your most powerful tool toward stress reduction and mental clarity–a few deep, slow breaths periodically throughout the day can help keep stress at bay.
Assess your options and formulate if/then plans: try to think creatively and concretely and think about what you can do if something in particular happens–this can give you a sense of more capability, control and confidence.
Establish mindsets and mantras that help you stay grounded and reduce stress: remember that the messages you tell yourself are what motivate you–continued negative self-talk is more likely to result in continued frustration.
Find healthy distractions: sometimes a change of scenery or focus can provide a new perspective and reduce stress–spend time with friends, partake in a hobby, or immerse yourself in a book or movie in order to get out of the disappointment cycle.
Eat nutritious food and get enough sleep: when feeling higher anxiety or stress, cravings and lack of sleep can creep in–a bit of comfort food indulgence can make you feel better momentarily, but making sure you eat a balanced diet and get enough rest will keep your mind and body fit.
Beware of unhealthy habits: when reserves are down you are more likely to revert to habits that seem easy or helpful in the moment but that longer-term may work against you–reflect on how you are managing the stress and make adjustments to stay healthy.
My son is still navigating the visa and shipping systems to obtain what is needed in a timely manner. Together we are managing ourselves and our desire for more control and are remaining as flexible as we can. The process is made less challenging by keeping focused on what really matters and employing the above tools as we move along (and crossing all of our fingers and toes!). We continue to believe that things will work out and he will get what is needed to get overseas and start his program on time, even if we need to make further adjustments. We are controlling what we can, letting go of what we can’t, and adapting along the way–and we are planning an intentional celebration for when his overseas path is free from current obstacles and this disappointing ordeal is firmly behind us.
